Amuse-Bouche No. 8: Pardon My Frenchby Julia FreyAs Anne and Sylvie arrive for dinner, Auguste, recovering from a bad cold, greets them with exquisite : “” (Forgive me if I don’t f**k you, but I have a cold). ? This provokes a generalized (uncontrollable laughter). Although my Dutch husband speaks French fluently—well enough to teach his university courses in French—he innocently has mixed up the noun (a kiss) with its verb homonym, which is as vulgar as its four-letter English translation.He’s not the only one. There’s a worse story. was hired to teach first-year French at an exclusive private school in Dallas. An enthusiastic beginner, she had T-shirts made for the French Club that said “”. A French native who spotted the students wearing them in a shopping mall, called the school. I'm not sure the young teacher’s contract was renewed.How could she know? My dictionary, prudishly and misleadingly, gives as the first definition for “to kiss”, accompanied by several examples of what’s kissable: the cheek, the mouth, the Bishop’s ring, even the Pope’s “” (white satin slipper). At the bottom, there’s a remarque: “ is no longer in decent usage, see definition two”, i.e., the one we use today. In fact, since the 12th century, has referred, if sometimes ambiguously, to sexual intercourse. To say you want to plant a kiss on someone, use , , or even , a gesture taught to young boys of good family: On meeting an older woman at home (never outdoors—who knows why?), they pick up her hand, and appear to sniff it politely. They don’t touch it with their lips.What Auguste meant to say was (or or —to kiss on the cheek). But itself gets complicated: just one smack, or one on each cheek? Three is common. Some people always give four. And whom do you kiss? These days, even men and heads of state can when they meet.Questions of (level of language) are tricky. Are you talking to a friend your own age? A stranger? A respected dignitary? Is the expression you are using or truly “” (lower class), (swearword), , or merely (gross)? Words like (prostitute), (brothel), (another f-word), (s**t) etc., vary in intensity. Originally considered obscene, they also have weakened or altered meanings. “”, for example, means to cause havoc. is considered so unspeakable by many that Sartre’s 1946 play is often written . If somebody calls you “”, be insulted. But said in exasperation—“, I forgot my keys!”—is a mild expletive like “dammit”. It’s so meaningless it functions almost as punctuation. Kids and adolescents shorten it to “’”. Their mothers desperately suggest euphemisms: , much as US mothers in the 1960's replaced four-letter words with “”, “”, etc. The utterly well-bred, in reverse snobbery, sometimes use profanity for shock value.Intense emotion can excuse . Are you (annoyed), (agitated), or murderously enraged? Not long ago, Président Sarkozy made headlines by saying to an (voter) who repeatedly refused to shake his hand, “” (Then get lost, you pathetic jerk). “Jerk” is actually a bit milder than , which (blush) refers to female genitalia. Or does it? English newspapers translated as “asshole”. Re-translated into French, that’s , which is very offensive, whereas is used constantly, by just about everybody, to mean “idiot”. Interestingly, another voter was fined 1,000 euros for waving a sign with Sarkozy's now famous phrase, because the Presidency felt... insulted !Life’s unfair. The president can be vulgar and respectable newspapers can quote him, but I’ve noticed that native speakers are frequently shocked when foreigners use profanity. So even if you know (dirty words), you might try mastering the clever comeback instead. Jacques Chirac, Sarko’s predecessor, leaving church one Sunday, was approached by a heckler yelling “” (“Schmuck!” ), a specifically masculine variation of , similar to the feminine variation .The ex-president brilliantly replied: “” (“Delighted to meet you, I’m Jacques Chirac”).© Julia Frey 2009
